Journal entries- January 2004

I look back on these often to see how far I have come. It also makes me grateful for how wonderful my life is now. These entires are also in my memoir, along with many, many others. ( Names have been changed.)


"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

How I hope that is true. This is killing me, and I caused it. I know there is no one to blame but myself. She won't even talk to me right now. She only went to work for a couple of hours and then when she came in she told me to clean out my car. When I went to get the key all of my keys were off the ring, including the ones to the house. I don't understand that at all. It's not like I am going to go out and make copies of them or anything. I guess that means I have to be out of the house even sooner than I thought. I found a couple of rooms to rent in the paper, but I don't really have any money right now because I spent it all on the car. The car that I never wanted, the car I always knew I wouldn't be able to drive.

At least tax return time is coming up, but I don't think I will be staying here that long. I really just wish right now I could pack up a couple of bags and jump on a bus or a plane back to Houston. Of course I could do that, except for the fact I don't have a place to go. I feel so incredibly LOST right now. So lost it is unbelievable.

My aunt gave me my scale back. Or, more accurately, threw it on the couch next to me. I almost think she would have thrown it at me if I hadn't been holding one of the cats.

I still can't believe they took my keys off my keychain. That is just mean. I wonder if I had them here in my room if they would have asked for them. I mean, that is so final, the ultimate "You don't live here anymore". What if somehow or another they kick me out completely? I really wish I had more money. I should have been more careful with my money and saved more. Well, there are a lot of things I wish I would have done. I could beat myself up for hours over that sort of thing, but I know that won't do me any good. I just really need to figure out what I am going to do, and soon, before I loose what is left of my mind.

This is so not how I hoped 2004 would turn out.

************************************************************************************

My entire life has just been torn apart. I really do not see any reason to go on. I would kill myself tonight except there is the chance that I would not succeed. Well, no, that is not entirely true. I don’t really want to die; I just don’t know how much longer I can go on.

Aunt Laura told me today why she hasn’t been speaking to me. Now, I don’t know why, she would not tell me, but for some reason she believes that I have been lying about everything. She accused me of lying about being sexually abused by my father. I cannot believe this. I would never lie about something like this. She is being so horrible towards me right now. She truly believes that I have been lying all this time. She said that I am just mad because my father actually made me work when I lived with him and that I have made up this story to get money. She actually said this to me! It is so incredibly horrible. I just can’t believe that she believes that. I don’t think everything has truly hit me yet, I feel like I am in a nightmare. She told me I have three days to move out.

Thank God Richard is helping me out with the money because I only have about five dollars to my name right now. I will have to figure something out or else I will be on the streets, and it is damn cold here. I feel so alone right now. I have no one. I am afraid to try to talk to anyone else in the family because they might believe the same thing that she does. I wish I knew what caused this to happen. I asked her and she said it was “none of my f-ing business.” I wish that I had never told anyone about the abuse. As hard as living in silence was, this is 100 times worse. I wish I had never come here in the first place. I wish that more than anything right now. I tried so hard to talk to her during all this but I could not get a single word in. She was screaming at me and cussing me out. I wanted to open the car door and throw myself out onto the highway, I really did. But if I had done that she would have probably just taken it as an admission of guilt, and I AM NOT LYING!!!!!! If I do kill myself that will be my suicide note. “I am not lying.” It will be as simple as that. Maybe then they would believe me.

But really, there is no use in killing myself. I am already dead inside.
*********************************************************************************


I am still completely numb inside right now. I spent the entire day here in my room going through my stuff. I canceled my classes at the college, which was very disappointing after all the time, money and effort I spent to get in, but in comparison to my real problems, not being able to go to school is nothing. I mean, my worst nightmare has come true. I really don’t care about anything right now. I am going to call either Nicole or Sue tonight, I might as well use my phone while I still have it. I already paid for this month, but I’m sure they are going to take it. My stomach hurts so much right now, my chest is so tight. I feel so sick, my anxiety is through the roof. I have never been so uptight and lost and scared and mad and everything else. I am really mad, and really hurt that she turned on me. I mean, why? Because of something my lawyer said? Some random person that met me once? I will never, ever for the life of me understand this. It is a good thing I am not fully feeling the effects of this yet. If I was feeling everything right now, I would probably loose my mind. But I think that is already happening. If only I had some money, I would be out of here so fast.

God, please help me get through this. I cannot get through this alone. This is killing me. I just can’t stand this.

Help me please.

************************************************************************************