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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Reconnecting with those from my past

I will never have a relationship with my family. Never. This is something I have come to terms with, something I have made peace with. It saddens me that our future children will be missing a whole set of grandparents, great aunts and uncles, cousins, etc., but we will just have to make sure to give them enough love to make up for their absences. They will have us, and a part of my husband's family, and we will make sure that is enough somehow.

I have lost friends, lost friends who couldn't deal when things got bad. Friends who ran when they saw me falling apart, instead of being there to catch me when I fell. This, too, I have accepted, although it gets lonely sometimes.

There are others from my past I have been trying to reconnect with. Two are briefly mentioned in my memoir, "Bill" and "Ann". Bill was the first, and only, positive male role model I had growing up. While I was being abused by my father, I saw how he was with his daughters: he was exactly what a father should be. I lived with them for a period of time when I was 13, and I had always wished I was their daugther. They were kind, patient, understanding, loving, fun and yet still firm when they needed to be. At that point in time I had been abused for two years, and I got to see what my life should have been like.

Before publishing my book, I decided to contact them. I had no idea where they lived, but they have a unique last name and happen to be in a band, so just one google search and I found them. I sent them an email right away telling them who I was and that I would like to get back in touch with them. I received a reply a few hours later, from a very excited Ann and Bill who said they had always wondered what had happened to me (I more or less disappeared when I was 19, I am 28 now) and invited me to their house and to one of their shows. I was so excited to have this connection from my past! One of the few happy, positive parts of my life at that time. Then, the same day, they ask where my father is, how he is doing, what his phone number is.

Having had just reconnected with them, I wasn't going to go into the entire story of my life. I simply told them I did not know where he was, that I had not talked to him in several years. I asked them to please not tell him where I was, that it was very important he didn't find out. I explained that I wasn't in any kind of trouble or anything, that my father wasn't who they had thought he was.

I never heard back from them. I sent several messages after, one even offering to send them a copy of my book to explain.

I know they don't know anything, because Jenna Young is my pen name. I doubt they had talked to him and he told them some crazy story since they didn't know where he was, but it is possible they found him.

I don't know what to do with this. I'm confused as to what had happened. They were SO excited to hear from me, now nothing. I just don't understand.

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