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Friday, June 18, 2010


Just a month ago, I published my memoir. It took me years to finally finish it, and I was very apprehensive about putting my story out there for the world to see. Given the way my family reacted to me when I broke my silence, I was afraid everyone else would do the same.

But, instead, the complete opposite has happened.

I have had dozens of people write me, telling me their stories. Telling me that I am an inspiration to survivors everywhere. Telling me how strong I am. THAT is exactly why I wrote my memoir, created the websites, started this blog. I want others to know they are not alone, that they are worthy, beautiful, whole.... despite what they may have been told in the past.

I never have seen myself as someone who is strong. In all honesty, I had always viewed myself as very weak. For allowing the abuse to continue for as long as it did, for keeping silent for so long, for turning against my body, slowly destroying myself with each cut, by engaging in destructive and dangerous eating disorders.

But, I have learned, I am strong. I survived it. I moved past it. I found a way to get the pain out and turn in into a strength that I can share with the world.

It pains me more than words to say to know just how many people have gone through what I have been through. I wish I could reach out to all of you and take away your pain, but I can't. But what I can do is hold your hand and let you know that you are not alone, and that things will get better. You have to believe that, IT WILL GET BETTER!!!

Seven years ago, in 2003, I was 21 and thought I couldn't go on any longer. I wanted to die and damn near managed to accomplish that. Dear God, if only had I known then, if only I had listened to everyone that told me that I would pull through, that things would be better, I would have never done the things I did. My life is so different now, it's like the me I am now and the me I was then are two separate people. Yet I still carry her memories, I still have her scars. I still have her fears and insecurities, but I have so much more than that as well. I have a wonderful husband, a man who loves me for all that I am, unconditionally. I have lost many friends, but the ones I do still have are friends in the greatest sense of the word. I have met many people because of this book, who I will always hold near and dear to my heart.

It's been an emotional journey, and I'm only a month in. I alter from feelings of great pride and accomplishment to utter terror and fear of rejection. Not everyone who I know in real life even know I have written a book yet, know a past.nything about my past. Some do, and haven't given any response to it at all, which makes me think they don't agree with me putting my story out there.

But I am so glad I did it.

1 comment:

  1. This is the hardest thing ever to do! but like you said, one person is saved that we have purpose... I am proud of what you are doing.