Progresses

Just a month ago, I published my memoir. It took me years to finally finish it, and I was very apprehensive about putting my story out there for the world to see. Given the way my family reacted to me when I broke my silence, I was afraid everyone else would do the same.

But, instead, the complete opposite has happened.

I have had dozens of people write me, telling me their stories. Telling me that I am an inspiration to survivors everywhere. Telling me how strong I am. THAT is exactly why I wrote my memoir, created the websites, started this blog. I want others to know they are not alone, that they are worthy, beautiful, whole.... despite what they may have been told in the past.

I never have seen myself as someone who is strong. In all honesty, I had always viewed myself as very weak. For allowing the abuse to continue for as long as it did, for keeping silent for so long, for turning against my body, slowly destroying myself with each cut, by engaging in destructive and dangerous eating disorders.

But, I have learned, I am strong. I survived it. I moved past it. I found a way to get the pain out and turn in into a strength that I can share with the world.

It pains me more than words to say to know just how many people have gone through what I have been through. I wish I could reach out to all of you and take away your pain, but I can't. But what I can do is hold your hand and let you know that you are not alone, and that things will get better. You have to believe that, IT WILL GET BETTER!!!

Seven years ago, in 2003, I was 21 and thought I couldn't go on any longer. I wanted to die and damn near managed to accomplish that. Dear God, if only had I known then, if only I had listened to everyone that told me that I would pull through, that things would be better, I would have never done the things I did. My life is so different now, it's like the me I am now and the me I was then are two separate people. Yet I still carry her memories, I still have her scars. I still have her fears and insecurities, but I have so much more than that as well. I have a wonderful husband, a man who loves me for all that I am, unconditionally. I have lost many friends, but the ones I do still have are friends in the greatest sense of the word. I have met many people because of this book, who I will always hold near and dear to my heart.

It's been an emotional journey, and I'm only a month in. I alter from feelings of great pride and accomplishment to utter terror and fear of rejection. Not everyone who I know in real life even know I have written a book yet, know a past.nything about my past. Some do, and haven't given any response to it at all, which makes me think they don't agree with me putting my story out there.

But I am so glad I did it.

Waiting for my copies to arrive

I am anxiously awaiting for the arrival of my first set of books. The copy I ordered for myself and my husband should be here in a couple of days, and my first set that I have already sold or am going to be giving out should be here this week as well. I'm really hoping everything looks good, as the author, editor, formater and publisher it was a pretty big job.

I went to PostSecret.com yesterday morning as I always do, and was very saddened by a postcard written by someone who was planning on killing themself. That card stayed in my mind throughout the day, and later I went back to see if there had been any responses to it. I was surprised to find a facebook link, leading to a group titled "Please Don't Jump." About 10,000 people had already joined even though it had only been up for part of a day, and there were just as many comments telling the poster how valuable his/her life is, how much they are loved and wanted in this world. There have been times in my life where I have found myself loosing faith with humanity, but this here is an example of how beautiful the world truly is. Yes, there is violence and hate in this world, but the love can, and will, overpower that. As of now there are well over 20,000 people in that group. I hope and pray to God that the poster sees it and realizes that his/her life is worth living.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=119460778095373&ref=mf

Book is now published!

I started my memoir about six years ago, and cannot believe that my dream of publishing it is finally a reality. I have written under a pen name do to the sensitive nature of my work. It is very important to me to speak up about these issues, and it is easier to do so under Jenna Young than my real name. Many people reading this know who I am, and I do not have a problem with that. I am not ashamed of my past, it is a part of who I am. I spent many years battling depression, suicidal tendencies, eating disorders, self injury and extreme anxiety. I was sexually abused for eight years, and that abuse had affected every.single.aspect of my life. I no longer blame myself for the abuse, I know that it was not my fault. My abuser was a sick, disturbed man and had me silenced by my fears. When I was 21, I suffered a breakdown and landed in a psychiatric hospital. There, I broke my silence about the years of sexual abuse and attempted rapes. My family turned against me, believing I had made everything up. It was easier for them to believe I was lying than to believe that my father had done the things he did.

My goal in writing my memoir, in creating my website, in creating this blog is to let others who have been in similar situations know that they are not alone. You are not alone, and it is not your fault. If your being abused, tell someone. There are many resources and places for you to go to get help. Find someone, anyone and tell. Do not stay in silence. Living in silence for so many years almost killed me.